INsomNIAtic

"When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake."
-From the movie Fight Club, based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk

Not sure when it started, but as young as 5 years old, I remember being urged, begged, and scolded --- to sleep at a decent time. I tried not to disturb other people and would quietly slip out of my parents' bed and wander around the house as soon as my parents, or just my mom, would fall asleep. I'd visit my room --- yes, I had my own room but I didn't sleep in it until I was 8 or maybe 9 --- and play with my toys, watch TV with my dad, drink copious amounts of water, or other sorts of amusements. In some ways, nights were the best part of my days. But, oh hey, don't get me wrong. I was never one of those people who hated mornings and would be a monster because I didn't get enough sleep.

As I got older, it got worse, or better. Depends on how you want to look at it. I moved to my own room and would to go to bed when the rest of my family did, and unlike my sister, who basically slept through anything, woke up instantly when someone (usually my mom) knocked on my door. My secret? I wasn't really sleeping. As soon as I heard my parents' door sliding open, I would turn off my lights and jump into bed. Sometimes nobody would come to my door for about half an hour so I could either catch a few winks or just laze abed. It was harder when my dad wasn't around, though. My mom would leave her door open so I would sometimes get caught with my light on. I'd make the half-assed excuse of forgetting to turn it off or saying that I woke up a bit early when I was given my own alarm clock.

I guess, up to a certain point, my family was aware of my sleeping habits. It was a running joke even among my cousins that I had a lot of time in my hands. One cousin tried to teach me the guitar and told me to practice at night, unfortunately (or fortunately, for the neighbors and my family's ears) I never got into it. My sister would ask me to wait for her to come home so she wouldn't have to ring the doorbell and wake our mom. Then in college, when I lived with some other people, they got used to going to sleep with me on the computer and waking up with me still on the computer. When they needed to wake up early, I was always the person to shake them out of the zzzs.

Sleep deprivation causes muscle cramps and I depend on its intensity to remind me of how much I need sleep. I have a lot of bedtime rituals that sometimes helps me sleep. Honestly, I continue drinking alcohol because it sometimes gives me a few hours with dear old Morpheus. Sleeping pills never quite work like they're supposed to. A few times I was in the hospital, they injected me with sleeping aids but they didn't work either. It just annoyed the hell out of me every time they  said my name to check if I was sleeping. Thing is, even if I'm sleeping, soon as you mention my name, I'd wake up.

I know my sleeping habits should be considered a problem. Yet my main problem is, I don't mind so much not being able to sleep. Sometimes I complain about it, but then I think, if I could just turn it into doing something productive, I'd be better off. So now, I'm signing off to do some reading, maybe do my homework for Vietnamese class. Or maybe not. Probably not. :D

A Not So Lazy Rainy Day

Lyn, my housemate, is celebrating her birthday today. I went out to buy cake for her this morning and it was a good thing, Dung, my other friend's Vietnamese boyfriend, accompanied me. You see, they usually layer their cakes with pineapple.... Pineapples taste good, but please, not on cake! He spoke with the girls at the bakeshops until we found two that had chocolate in it. One had orange frosting and the other had a thick layer of white frosting with a water buffalo on top. Dorky but I chose the one with the buffalo. Would've been stupid to avoid pineapple and go with orange frosting. :P

after candles were taken out

I went biking with Thea this afternoon. Talked for a bit over chocolate milk tea and kiwi milk tea (yeah weird, I know). Then we went around the city. It was nice to see the sights and relax while getting some exercise. It was raining a bit but it was fun. I miss my old bike, though. The handlebars on the one I have now is a bit lopsided so it's a b**ch to balance. On the upside, if I went biking everyday, my arm muscles would probably become more defined. Haha.

It's really pouring now... I usually think of rainy days as lazy days. But today-- even though I'm a bit tired from biking, I still want to go dancing tonight. It's been on my mind for days. I wonder if I can get them to go with me. I can go out alone but from previous experience, I'd rather not. People would always try to talk to me and they become more annoying when they find out I'm not Vietnamese. No fun at all. 

Oh well, we'll see. The night is still young after all.

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We didn't start eating till 920PM, and Tin, Thea and Lyn are supposed to be in school pretty early tomorrow morning. So... no dancing, will have to wait till Wednesday next week. Hmft. Anyway, had a lot of spaghetti, grilled squid and the cake wasn't that bad. It was chiffon layered with bits of chocolate and raisins with white frosting.

...

Sometimes it amazes me how most everybody seems to be growing up and moving forward while I'm still stuck, stumbling and uncertain of what's next. A lot of my friends think I've got things figured out and because I don't have the responsibilities they do --- it means I'm doing what I want to be doing. But how do I do that when I don't even know what I want.

When I was back home in the Philippines, I got to talk with some friends and some of the stuff I heard scared me. My Neverland neighbor said that he's hanging on by a thread and might be growing up soon. Another said that he's with a job that pays the bills even though he doesn't really enjoy it anymore. More of my friends are getting married and/or having babies and sometimes I feel uncertain as to whether we're still on the same page. Some are contemplating making the big move abroad and living there for good. Yeah, I'm working abroad, but it's because it's convenient. While I'm here I can delay making the big decisions that need doing.

I like me. I like my life... being a little sister with the mentality of a little sister --- I can do what I want when I want to and if I don't know what to do I can run to someone ---- that kind of thinking. But until when can I do that?

I'm back!

It's been a while... I have no idea where to begin and I may have forgotten how to, er, write. :D

Update on my life ---
January: I took my parents and my aunt with me back to VN for a five-day holiday. My sister's camera was acting up and none of my mom's gazillion photos survived. I guess it means they have to come back to VN :D Shortly after that, my sister showed up and together with Thea, Laurice, Rizza and 2 of my friends from back home (my beloved Phy and John), we hauled ourselves to Siem Reap. Before going back to Vietnam, I decided that I wanted to go back to the Philippines. I figured there wasn't anything for me workwise so I up and left.
February-April: I bummed around, couldn't decide on what to do and what job to apply for. I didn't like the offers I got and got discouraged by the "no's". I waited for a sign (mwahaha) and went back to Vietnam.
end of April: I accepted a full time position at the Natural English School and agreed to manage the new branch for kids.
June: The kiddie branch opened so I lost the little free time I had.
August: My uncle died and I took an emergency leave to be with family.
now: I'm going crazy. not. I just don't know what to say so I better end this post.

note: I probably won't be posting my sidebar for my finances. There are plans and there are PLANS but I don't want to jinx them yet so I'll let it rest for now.

friends or friends-ters?

Are we actually friends or just friends-ters?

Every couple of months, I get around to checking my friendster account-- to get an update on some people, to look at pictures that friends have been bugging me to check out, and to check if there are some accounts which have no longer have a place in my life (e.g. accounts like gorgeous people, drunken fairies, and so on) and therefore should be deleted.

With friends, no matter how callous I may look or actually be --- in truth, I'm a sucker. Forget me for a couple of years, ignore me (I'll do the same), don't greet me for major holidays (e.g. my birthday)... It all goes down the drain once you contact me.

By the way, to be clear, friends are people who:
1. I've actually had a conversation with -- not small talk
2. Were halfway decent to me during my weird years (i.e. all my life)

When does friendship actually stop? A cheesy message says Friendship is like “sms” bcoz it comes & stays inside Ur Inbox until U delete it. But is it really as easy as that? It's there but maybe instead of growing... you're growing apart. I admit, there are so many levels in being friends. In my world, I have:
1. practically family --- no matter what, you love them. no questions asked. time apart (almost) doesn't matter.
2. close friends --- they mean a lot and have shared a big chunk of my life (and I don't mean in years)
3. buddies --- pals who you can share SOME thoughts with
4. casual friends --


***note to Phy: This isn't the draft I was telling you about. I'm still unsatisfied with that one. This one kinda came out of I don't know what... :P

P.S. just posting it now... can't remember why I started this topic. lol

8 Reasons for 8 Months (and Counting)

I’ve been in Viet Nam for about 8 months now and I can say that I’m still enjoying it. I’m still a part time teacher at an English school and tutoring whenever I can. It’s probably not the best arrangement and some of my friends have been asking me why I’m still here since I’m not earning a lot of money anyway… So why…

I guess these are the reasons:
1. I’m not here for the money… If money was my prime reason for working, I should’ve studied something else like nursing.
2. I’m lazy. I’m good at English and I enjoy it. It’s the easiest way to earn money while being lazy(wait a minute, I was also doing that back at PS).
3. Coming here is preparing my parents my future travels to other countries. This is fairly near and they know who I’m with.
4. Like I always tell the students, “I want to try to live and work in a different country”
5. It’s cheap to live in Viet Nam. My expenses each month amount to about $100 or so. That includes rent, bills & food. I ride a bicycle to work.
6. I finally learned how to ride a bicycle and this is a good place to enjoy doing that. Pollution in Vung Tau is almost nada compared to Makati.
7. I’m learning to love vegetables here. They’re humongous and cheap. Fruits aren’t that bad either.
8. Never say no to a chance to travel and learn a new culture and (a bit) language.

Yet Another Update

After my previous post, I noticed that I have neglected my blog for almost a month. Thea's laptop crashed about two weeks ago, and before that, it wasn't working all that great either. In a day I probably thought of about a dozen things to post about, but when I did get some proper computer time, my mind would tend to wander off and that would be the end of it.

Anyway, just to give my readers an update (as if there's a lot of them out there)...

1. I'm still working at NES as a part time teacher.
2. I'm home alone right now, for a week or maybe two. Or a month if the dreaded houseguest doesn't arrive. Hehe, I'm evil.
3. I wore a dress to NES' celebration of its 3rd year anniversary---which ends my quota of wearing a dress/skirt twice each year.

And again, I can't think of anything else. I guess my life sounds so boring huh, I dunno why. I'm rarely bored but when I put the things I do on paper, well, online in this case, it sounds so B-O-R-I-N-G. And why did I spell that out... Coz I dunno how else to fill up the space. Haha.

I'm enjoying my time alone right now, my solitude, so to speak. It's one of the things I really miss and I never quite know how to phrase it. I think people would find it rude, like I want them to go away or something, which is not really quite the same thing. I just need to be alone sometimes and be able to do things by myself for myself. The only thing that sucks about this arrangement is that the dog stays with me. I hate cleaning up after it. Oh well, one can't have everything...

Oh yeah, I mentioned that NES had a party recently. That was last Saturday, and we had a lotta fun. The party was well, short. I can't imagine a Filipino party that started on time and ended 3 hours later, but that's what it almost was. It was alright, though. They enjoyed playing party games they've never heard of (Newspaper Dance, Stop Dance, and Musical Chairs). They tried to dance the LA Walk (Thea's version), which I finally learned how to dance properly, and sang a few songs. Altogether, it was tame but not so bad. It ended at around half past nine so we (the foreign teachers) trooped over to a local girly bar named Chi-Chi's. Hehe. The girls and I have this twisted idea that we might enjoy watching the wild girls by going to the girly bars... but of course, they never show the good stuff when girls are present :( After a round of drinks we went to Vitamin C, that's a somewhat respectable girly bar. Had another round and met some of Jade and Art's friends and then we all went to Back Beach. We went to an almost deserted beach bar with a pretty Russian bartender. When we were the only ones on the bar, we girls (Thea, Laurice, Rizza and I) decided to dance on the bar top. After a while, Liana (the bartender) joined me, she was pretty good, too. And surprisingly, I ended up liking their draft beer. Art quit early but the rest of us went home at about 4 am. It was a good night out, I hope we do something like it again, soon.

So that's it for tonight. I gotta get up early (or at least, try to) coz I'm trying out this yoga class with Art at a nearby spa. Till next time!

Sick or Homesick

Am I supposed to be homesick? I know I miss my family and friends. Yet I don't like to moon about people and things that I can't see or have. I chose to go to Viet Nam and live in another country. I know that I'll be away for a year or so. So why be sad and mope around?

People have asked me if I'm homesick, if I cry when it's gloomy or rainy, if I'm sad and want to go back to the Philippines. When I tell them that I'm not sad, I think half of them admire me and the other half think I'm a cold, unfeeling you-know-what. But I tell them that it's only been four months and not four years that I've been away. I miss the Philippines. I miss my family and my friends. That doesn't mean I need to cry about them and be sad. Does it?

"How many people are there in your family?"

Family. I don't want to go all melodramatic and try to explain the word but here in Viet Nam, the questions always go like this:

1. "What's your name?"

2. "How old are you?"

3. "Are you married?" or "Do you have a boyfriend?"

4. "How many people are there in your family"

Of all the questions they've asked me, I always find the fourth the most difficult. I can always say that I have one older sister but to say that my family consists of only four members stings...
I tried to explain it to a class once, I don't know how much they understood, though. I tried to explain that saying that my family consists of four members sounds like I'm lying, at least to myself. You see, my relatives on my mother side have always been close. True, there have been rifts from time to time among members, but generally, we see each other regularly and include each other in our ups and downs. I remember summers and other vacations spent at my aunts' houses and my cousins who also stayed at our house for days and even months. We have always shuffled in and out of each other's lives. Furthermore, I have friends who I consider as family. No blood ties us, but I can never deny the link or my relationship to them.

The problem is, answering the question this way causes confusion. Either they don't understand enough English or they think that it's a very simple question to answer. Still, I persist in answering that both my parents are alive and together and that I have an older sister... my family, is way bigger and difficult to count.

The Lost 2 Weeks

Yeah, yeah.... Lousy title :D But I couldn't think of anything else to call an update on the last two weeks, so there!

Anyway, I've updated my sidebar and I'm excited because I'll be able to pay my sister next month... That means a lot to me and will really help ease my mind a bit. You see, I obsess when I have debts, I'm always looking forward to the time when I'll be able to pay it off and I constantly compute when I'll have enough money for it.

I'm also happy because I have some savings and will be able to afford a ticket if I suddenly need to go back to the Philippines. I have a credit card but I don't want to use and abuse it :P

Thea and I are no longer going to tutor Sugar. It sucks because the kid is so darn nice and fun to be with. We live near them now and it's so convenient to pop in and visit them but it's awkward... Her mom said that they're going to Hanoi for vacation and they're not sure if they'll have her tutored again when they come back. Anyway, that's also one source of income less, which of course, sucks.

Moon is always busy so we don't see her much. She did drop in 2 Sundays ago and we had fun chatting with her. (note: I still owe her eight 2-hour lessons)

I now have 11 kids under my wing at the Kiddie Group. They range from 2 years 10 months to 4 years 10 months. They're crazy and active. Good thing I have wonderful helpers, Ruben and Ang. I dunno what I'd do without them... Hang myself, probably. Hehe.

It's a good thing it's summer vacation at the moment so I'll be getting about 10 classes per month with NES. It's a big help considering that I'm now making less than I used to. I still don't want to become a full time teacher there...

We're still keeping a tight grip on our finances, but, we're eating better than we used to. Living a stone's throw away from the supermarket is good because we don't own a refrigerator. Thea shops daily and we're not going way beyond budget. We still have a bit for snacks and such. Thanks to my aunt, who gave us some money, we can afford to eat out this month and buy little things for the house. Our old landlord also lent us a small television. Maybe we can scrape a bit of cash to buy a DVD player... Oh well, first things first.

And my favorite is.... I'm getting better at riding a bicycle. At least, I think so.

Lazy-bones

I've been so lazy this past week to go online, check my mail, visit PTC sites and update this blog. Every time I turned on the laptop, I ended up reading an e-book, one after the other. I got so lazy and addicted to reading again that my laundry piled up! I have a teensy weensy excuse, though. I did get sick last Friday, it was probably food poisoning. Anyway, good thing I bounced back and I was even able to go to work on Saturday afternoon. I was a bit weak, but otherwise, okay.

Anyway, to get rid of that lazy streak and to get rid of whatever plagued me, I've been going to work by bicycle again. (note: For 4 days last week, I hitched a ride with a fellow Filipina and her charge who lives in the same apartment complex as I do.) I've also made a dent on my pile of laundry, I think I'll be able to finish the rest by tomorrow. Yey!

An Aimless Post

Living in a country where being financially successful makes you or breaks you has made me think about a lot of things. Being wealthy would be nice but in truth, I don't really need or want a lot of money. True, I'm looking forward to that day when I could say that I'm financially free but I'm in no hurry.

Right now, I'm nowhere near it. Yet I'm hoping that everything that I'm doing would lead up to it, or at least help me. I realize that my main problem is that I have no real idea of who or what I want to be. I want to be good and I want to be free, but either one's not a lot of help.

You see, I'm basically a floater who's getting by with the skills I've always had, or been good at. What do I mean? I went to college and took a course where if I wouldn't shine, I would be average. I took AB Communications because it sounded interesting and fun. And it was. I did some OJTs at different places but I never took a risk afterwards and tried to practice it. Instead, I loafed around for a bit then loafed a bit more when I took a job at a call center. Okay, lemme get something straight. Working in a call center is no walk in the park, it's a real job with real responsibilities. I took my job seriously and did my best, or rather, I did what I was best at. I survived and while I didn't exactly go to the top of the ladder, I did get recognition for my work and got assigned some big responsibilities. But still, it never really demanded a big chunk of me. I guess it became my security blanket. So next thing I did was that I decided that I needed to get out, fast!

It took my 2 1/2 years, but I finally resigned at the end of last year. I did some online writing and relaxed at home. I became a bum.

Then I left. I'm here in another country taking refuge in another skill that I've always had and been always good at --- English. So that's it. I dunno what I'm doing to my life. Haha. Aimless post of an aimless person.

Anyway, to get a little back in track or at least go somewhere near my financial freedom thingy... At this point, I'm doing my best to get rid of my debts. That's on top of my list. And then, I need to save and invest for God knows what while I contribute to my parents' finances. Maybe I'll think of a plan soon. Good luck to me :D

Late Nights

It's 2:46 in the morning right now... I've loved times like this since I was a kid. I remember late nights to early mornings when everybody in my house was asleep; I would wander around the house and look at every nook and cranny, fix and/or clean my room, read and organize my books, drink a ton of water or more often than not, eat something chocolatey. Those were the days (or nights, or whatever you want to call them)... Later on, the wee hours of the morning became my time for doing homework, writing term reports, surfing the internet, playing computer games, and against my mother's wishes, reading my beloved books.

Living in Viet Nam is fun and different but I miss times like this when I can pretend to be alone, wander around butt naked, and do a ton of stuff without other people around. Even when I lived with my sister in Makati, I would often have time alone because we usually had different schedules, or if we had a similar schedule I could always wait for her to fall asleep so I could do my rituals.

A lot of students ask me if I miss home. I do and I don't. Call me strange, but a big chunk of me just misses my quality time and late nights with dear little old me.